Ed Will Be The Death Of Me

Special Ed has become a phenomenal pain in the ass. Not on the left, or the right, but right in the middle. Ed has become needier and needier as time has passed and I think I have to speak with his mother because he is totally out of control now. My week began as the phone rang when we opened to the public on Monday. It was Ed. Ed needed an Internet reservation at 12:15 so I made one. Then I found out that he wanted to make it for Wednesday instead of the 1:15 he already had scheduled. OK, no problem. I rescheduled and canceled his appointment. I also canceled the appointment I thought he was making for Monday. I told Ed to have a good day and he informed me that he also wanted an appointment for today (Monday). OK, so I schedule him in for a 4:15 and all is right with the world again except for the fact that it was now not quite ten minutes since we’ve been open and I already need a big stiff drink. I immediately knew that it was going to be a very bad week right then and there.

So, today comes and I’m off desk until 1:00. This is good me thinks because Ed is up there, somewhere. I know it because I scheduled and rescheduled his fussy ass on Monday. Therefore, today will be a good day I tell myself. At 1:00 as I’m walking to the Reference Desk I notice Special Ed exiting the elevator… I immediately think, what is Ed doing here? He should be leaving or nearly ready to leave by now. He says, “Hi” to the Reference staff, each by name from 15 feet away as he’s walking to the restroom. When he finishes his business he heads straight for the computer, sits down, and immediately begins spewing a paragraph-long-slurred-run-on sentence about not being sure this particular PC is going to meet his needs.

As he’s talking I turn to my colleague and ask her if she understands a word that Ed is saying and she indicates that she can’t understand a thing. At this point, Ed comes over to the Desk (instead of yelling across the room) to tell me that he would prefer a PC in the Childrens’ Department. No problem Ed! So I cancel his reservation and make a new one and send him on his way so he can be anyone’s problem but mine. Good. I finally got rid of Ed. Hallelujah!

So  finish up my shift and go off-desk to tend to other business. I even take a break before I head back to the Desk and who do I see when I return? Special Ed!!! I go into the Reference Office and ask a colleague if Ed lives here now? She laughs. I don’t. Another colleague returns from her break and asks what Ed is still doing here as well. Then I laugh! I say that that’s just what I was saying.

Ed then says hello again to everyone by name from 20 feet away and the staff is like, “Hi Ed” with no  affect. He walks over to the Desk and asks for the newspaper. Fine. Here they are Ed, now go away. Ed goes away and read the newspaper. Later on he returns the newspaper and says, “Hi” again to each of us… “Hi Ed.” Then he just stands there looking at us for several minutes.

Ed! Do you need something Ed? Can we help you with anything Ed? Ed? What the fuck do you want now Ed? Ed stands there with a enormous vacant smile on his face. Oblivious to the fact that we are not amused by his antics. He stands there and stands there and continues to stand there looming over us until he finally looses interest and leaves to sit down nearby. A few minutes later Ed stands up and puts his coat on as he says his goodbyes to the staff, each by name. He said his farewells and then headed outside to catch the bus.

Farewell Ed.

Later in the day just as I was getting feeling back in my extremities, the phone rang. I answered he call to hear an Asian woman on the other end asking for, “Nam six”.” I was like, “What? I can’t understand you.” And she repeated over and over again “Nam six Nam six…” WTF!? “I’m sorry I don’t understand what you are asking for.” She then said something like “Thenamesix.” And a light went on in my head.

I was like, “The Namesake?” And she confirmed that The Namesake was in fact what she was after (praise Jesus). But this wasn’t the end of the torture this patron would put me through my readers, she then wanted to know if we had something called, “Bratface.” As the interview went on I discovered what sounded like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I was like, “Sure we have Breakfast at Tiffany’s” Capote right? At which point the woman must have been as disgusted at me as I was with her and she put her daughter on the line. Thank the Maker because her daughter spoke Engrish good. And I found out that Bratfest at Tiffany’s is actually a book in the wildly popular Clique Series by Lisi Harrison. Case closed.

Thank God! Now I really do need a drink… It isn’t easy being a librarian.

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~ by Woeful on November 13, 2008.

16 Responses to “Ed Will Be The Death Of Me”

  1. You say “the wildly popular Clique Series by Lisi Harrison” like it’s reasonable for “Bratfest at Tiffany’s” to share zeitgeist space alongside Capote.

    It is not. Harrison. Must. Die.

  2. Wow! Thankfully all days aren’t like that. I remember the one time someone asked me for the “garbish”. She was looking for a garbage can! Good grief.

    I think this is why I’m a cataloguer.

  3. It’s never fun to feel you’ve been punched square in the ass.

  4. Can I join you in that drink? We can share phone call horror stories. “So my books are due December 31st?” “No, December 3rd.” “31st?” “No, December THIRD.” Ten minutes this went on!

    And yeah, you definantly need to say something to Ed’s mom. Especially if he’s interfering with your work.

  5. In my mind, I equate librarians with books and quiet places and hey, that all sounds just grand to me. But reality as I have learned from reading your site and another librarian’s is…there are way too many damn *people* effing up your days!!!

  6. Hey thanks Laura. I am so going to use “garbish” as my new word of the day

  7. Whoa! Gullybogan, anything we can get kids to read is good these days. Capote Harrison is not but maybe she can be a stepping stone to better things.

    Hi Laura: “Garbish” is a nice touch!

    Hello Dailytri & Jamisings: Yeah, Ed must be stopped.

    Thanks for stopping by tpgoddess0103! The library is just a microcosm of society, but I think a 1:10 “nut to normal” ratio is about average. Some days have higher nut to normal ratios and those are the days that really leave a mark.

  8. a few weeks ago I had a young teenage boy ask for what I heard as “Tell Him He’s Gay”

    I couldn’t find that in the catalog so when I repeated the title to him to make sure I had it right, the little boy turned beet red (which went so well with his red hair) and almost screamed, “NO! I said Ptolemy’s Gate!”

    Everyone involved was mortified but I found the book for him and he ran to the circ desk. I was SO embarrassed!

  9. Is it really a good idea to put Special Ed in with the kids?

  10. LOL… That’s funny Holly!

    Hi Max: Ed is a kid. He’s been coming to the Library since he was a small child they tell me. Today he’s only about 20 but his temperament is more like that of a 13 year old. Ed is completely harmless, it’s just that he requires a lot of attention, like a child, and we aren’t always amenable to this because there are oftentimes other people who need help while Ed is monopolizing our time.

  11. I am not saying he would be a physical danger to children he just makes a lot of noise and disturbance and behaves oddly and little kids are not really prepared for exposure to what they perceive of as an adult behaving that way. I just kind of am against exposing small children to severely damaged or crazy people.

  12. Max: Actually Ed is noisy around me primarily because he wants attention. Ed, however, doesn’t need the attention so when he’s elsewhere he can and usually is very quiet. He just goes online and does what Ed does which usually has something to do with the WWE. He’s actually amazingly good with computers and he’s very self-sufficient which adds to why he is such a pain in the ass. Sometimes you can just tell that he knows that he’s fucking with you just to fuck with you and not out of necessity. So, the kids are fine in the company of Ed… All things being equal, their parents are probably stranger as they tend to ignore their screaming children when they are right next to them… Oy!

  13. Wow, that’s pretty crazy stuff. *comfort*

  14. I think my library has its own Special Ed too! He carries a boombox on his shoulder and likes to chat with his internet girlfiends.

    One time our library got a phone message from a woman claiming that she had been stalked by a satanist for “three centuries” and wanted his address in California.

  15. Hi Batgirl (love the name)! LMAO… Thanks for commenting.

  16. You guys deserve hazard pay.

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