Easy Skanking

Paradise

I really needed to get away so I’m glad to write that I had some good fun in the sun while vacationing in the Caribbean. First off, I’d like to send a special shout out to the three bartenders who were very good to me during my stay: Bryan from India, William from the Philippines, and Cho from China. Bryan kept my glass filled during the day with Long Island Iced Teas, while William and Cho kept the Johnny Walker Black flowing at night.

Although this vacation produced less fodder than last year’s, there were some highlights that I feel the need to write about. First, I made it a whole three days before getting sunburned. This beats last years 20 minutes with SPF 15. I wised-up and bought a lotion with a 50 SPF. Sadly, in the six or seven minutes it took to apply it to my front (where I got a nice tan), my back was burned. Thankfully, the resort has a very nice spa where a cute little Dominican girl named Maria applied an aloe wrap on me that saved my life.

But that’s not what I want to write about… I love people watching, and travel abroad gives me ample opportunity to watch people I wouldn’t normally observe anywhere else. Case in point, there were many French, Dutch, and even an Italian couple vacationing on the Islands. What I find fascinating is that Europeans smoke cigarettes as if it was still the 1940s. That cancer memo apparently hasn’t fully sunk in yet across the Pond…

The Italian couple was comprised of a middle-aged man who bore a striking resemblance to a short and flabby Richard Lewis. This character really liked to advertise European labels too as evinced from his affinity for a shirt, or jersey if you will, that made him look more marketable than a NASCAR stock car. I didn’t recognize any of the brands, nor did I understand what the purpose of the shirt was? Anyone with any ideas on what this kind of garment is about I would appreciate the clue in. Rounding out the duo was the guy’s 20 something girlfriend. She was very attractive and followed the guy around like a puppy dog from dining to the pool, etc… The funniest thing about the Italian, however, was the fact that each day he actually looked worse than the day before contrary to the usual vacation wisdom that a little rest and relaxation will do wonders for one’s mind and body. My theory is that the young woman was actually a succubus. Anyway, sure enough after breakfast each day he would stagger off wearing his Adidas sandals, cigarette dangling from his lips with girl in tow as they headed for the pool.

Next up on our list of unusual people were two families from Texas who were traveling together. The matriarch of one family sported an egregiously low cut one-piece bathing suit that left her horrendously large and saggy mammaries hanging out to dry… Nobody needs to see this. The apple falls not far from the tree either for her youngest daughter was doing everything within her power to compete with Paris Hilton on the thin and slutty front. Her oldest daughter, however, was attractive yet remarkably normal. She has a kind of understated class. Where she inherited this from is anyone’s guess? Her only flaw was her choice for a boyfriend who we’re going to refer to as, “Kid Rock.” I believe that Kid Rock was the other Texas couple’s son. He was ridiculously thin, and had long thin sandy-brown hair that he would whip around in the pool from time to time.

Then there was what I am going to refer to as “High School Musical.” Eleven people, mostly teens who traveled together primarily from what I gathered, to occupy as much space as possible for no good reason whatsoever. One of the girls would go out around 8:00 AM and throw towels on 11poolside chase lounges thereby marking their territory. The only problem with this is that she would be the only one actually sunning herself while the rest would come out hours later, and then only for relatively brief appearances. My favorite character in this crew was a boy who would appear around 11:00 each morning. He would remove his shirt to reveal the hairiest chest I have ever seen and apply copious amounts of spray on sunscreen. His oily hide will not soon be forgotten. I referred to him as the Wolfman from that point forward during our stay.

The coup de grace, however, was the destination wedding that took place on Independence Day at the resort. Around 3:30 in the afternoon the staff began clearing lounge chairs and preparing the cabanas for some big event. We noticed a buffet being set up under the cabanas, and wondered what the resort had planned for dinner. I asked one of the waitstaff about what was going on poolside that evening and was told that all the preparation was for a wedding.

The ceremony took place on the beach under a cabana. The bridesmaids wore fuchsia, and the groomsmen wore white linen shirts and khaki pants. The groom wore nothing that distinguished him from the groomsmen, and the bride wore a white dress. This was humorously ironic since she was obviously preggers and had a bun cooking in the oven for some time. She was well on her way to forming a family unit with or without any impending nuptials. I listened in delight as the bride and her father danced to Billy Joel’s, “Just the Way You Are” while I ate what was one of the two best meals I had while on the Island, a perfectly cooked angus tenderloin prepared in a nice cognac peppercorn sauce… The other truly outstanding meal was a 2lb. lobster thermador that I ate three days prior. Absolutely amazing!

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~ by Woeful on July 6, 2008.

12 Responses to “Easy Skanking”

  1. The Caribbean! Are you kidding me? Lucky. 🙂

    Seems like you had an ‘interesting’ time and the food sounds amazing. We’ll have to swap vacation stories. Ha.

  2. I am very jealous. I want to run off to some place warm and lush. Oh man, what I would do to spend a week on the beach and away from this miserable rainy, cold Alaska summer. (I’m not bitter…nooooooo)

  3. Not kidding. That is in fact a photo I shot from where I was staying. I’d love to hear about your trip to NY Ashley…

    Hi Rachel: I’d love to see Alaska someday too.

  4. two weeks ago I went to Key West and all we had was pizza.

  5. Man, I haven’t been to Key West since was a little kid… Do any fishing while you were down there?

  6. Sounds like a people watching good time!

  7. It was! 😉

  8. Maybe it’s just my imagination, but in your picture is that woman’s hinder hanging out? 😉

  9. It was actually a really nice plaid string bikini!

  10. Glad to hear you had a great holiday, Woeful!

  11. Thanks K!

  12. I’m convinced. The Caribbean is now on my list for February 2009.

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