The Dynamic Duo
Today I named an irregular, “Mr. Mullet.” Mr. Mullet has been coming to the library for over a year now yet still needs an inordinate amount of special help using our computers… For any task, from searching the catalog, to surfing the Internet. Fine. This is what I do, so I do it… Over and over again, ad infinitum. Anyway, today Mr. Mullet was wearing a peach colored wife-beater. At one point, after he was done terrorizing our computers, he staked out a spot all the way over on the far side of the Library to do a little reading… I know this because a short while later, I heard Boston’s More Than A Feeling blaring from his direction. Apparently, this is Mr. Mullet’s preferred ringtone.
While all this is going on, I see Porn Man making an Internet reservation with one of my colleagues, however, all of the PCs in Adult Services area are occupied, so my colleague asks Porn Man if he would like to use the one of the computers in the Children’s Department. Looking dismayed, he fidgets around without answering prompting my coworker to ask, Do you want the Adult?”
Upon hearing this, I nearly loose my shit, but I managed to hold it together. YES! He wants the “Adult” more than you can imagine. Porn Man is all about the adult. Wherever Porn Man travels, encumbered by his gynormous red mountaineering backpack, I follow purging the smut he leaves in his vile wake… Sadly, this is my job as well. So, Porn Man takes the later reservation and patiently waits for his his specified time to arrive by chilling on a nearby sofa.
This doesn’t surprise me as the Children’s PCs are filtered. I am positive that Porn Man has already discovered this fact, and subsequently opted to wait rather than logon immediately. He’s obviously trolling for some new material. He must be questing for new meat or he would just walk over to one of our Catalog computers, or a stand alone word processor, and view a selection from his massive personal pornbrary. I’m positive this is why he schleps that massive pack everywhere. He has porn on every format you can imagine, magazines, floppies, flash drives, somewhere in there, there’s probably some kind of pornographic 8-Track tape! Porn Man doesn’t need the Internet, he is a mobile pron extravaganza!
After Porn Man’s time is up on the Internet PC he walks back over to the Reference Desk and asks to be signed-in on one of our word processing workstations… Clearly, he spent his precious Internet time downloading smut, and not critically viewing it. Porn Man may have a ravenous appetite for the obscene, but he is no dummy and maximizes his viewing time like a Fortune 100 CEO to get the most bang for his buck.
… I can only imagine what I’m going to find on that machine tomorrow.