Chlamydia

For everything there is a first time. Yesterday was the first time that we ever got a call from a pharmacy. The pharmacist asked us to fax over information about chlamydia for a young woman who was waiting there. The coworker who received the call had to ask me how we handle such transactions. I told her to fax it ASAP once I found a suitable entry on the topic in a medical encyclopedia. The first one that I found was too short but had a really nice close-up of an infected schlong. After seeing it I was like, “Next!” Then I found the perfect entry in another book that I had my coworker copy and fax for the woman.

… All in a days work.

The Top 25 Most Played

This meme is for that cool librarian from Indianapolis, Blank Jane. Here are the top 25 songs in my iTunes:

1) Pain (Slayer Mix) – Four Star Mary

2) Bohemian Like You – The Dandy Warhols

3) The Wand – The Flaming Lips

4) Sound Of The Revolution – Lunatic Calm

5) Psalm for the Elks Lodge Last Call – The Weakerthans

6) Little Red Light – Fountains Of Wayne

7) Too Young – Phoenix

8 ) Son Of A Preacher Man – Springfield, Dusty

9) In The Waiting Line -  Zero 7

10) Stray Paper – Merritt, Tift

11) Wonderwall – Adams, Ryan

12) Virgin State Of Mind – K’s Choice

13) Nearly Lost You – Screaming Trees

14) Wish You Were Here – Adams, Ryan

15) If You Knew -  Case, Neko

16) Just Like Honey – The Jesus & Mary Chain

17) Caring Is Creepy – The Shins

18) Dry The Rain – The Beta Band

19) Paranoid – Black Sabbath

20) There’s No Other Way – Blur

21) Stars of Our Stars – Cowboy Junkies

22) Long Tall Sally – Little Richard

23) Silence – Gomez

24) Common People – Shatner, William

25) Split Needles [Alt. Version] – The Shins

I’m not going to tag anyone here, but if you want to participate feel free. Those who do, Lucky You.

Chris Has a Story…

The other night I was IMing with him and he conveyed this doozy of a Circulation story that is simply too choice not to share. So here it is in Chris‘ words copied directly from the IM window:

This older woman — with blonde hair (not sure why that was) — came up to the desk two days ago. She was wearing a dark suit, and a tie, and she had on a black conductor’s hat. I wasn’t sure if she was just making a fashion statement or what. Anyways, she comes up to the desk and hands me her card, because she wants to check two books out. So I scan her card, and let her know that she has $1.10 in fines. I asked her if she wanted to pay it now, or wait until next time. She said OF COURSE she would pay it now.

So, I pretended to keep myself busy while she got her money ready. WELL, I looked away for a second, and when I looked back, she had her black boot on top of the desk, and she was digging through it. She eventually pulled out a dollar and a dime, and said that she was all set. She put her shoe back on while I put the fine away. Then, I checked out her books and handed her her library card, which she proceeded to put in her other boot. She walked away, and I immediately started purell-ing. IMMEDIATELY. lol

Chris is obviously worth his weight in blog fodder… PRICELESS!

Questionable Acquisitions

Today we acquired two copies of the book, Driving With Confidence: A Practical Guide to Driving With Low Vision.

[blink]

Our acquisitions guy saw the books and commented that chapter one should be how to distinguish a speed bump from a pedestrian.

Is this book really a public service? LMAO!

Angels and ministers of grace defend us…

VERY Lost & SELDOM Found

Today a patron told me  that someone left an attache case under one of our sofas. I thanked the guy and brought the leather case to our lost and found bin. When I pulled the bin out I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when I saw the contents:

A single shoe…

How the hell does someone lose one shoe? I mean, I often wonder how patrons make it home when they lose their keys, but one of their shoes? Seriously, did this person actually make it all the way home and go, “Damn! I knew that my left foot felt kinda airy.” Or, “Shoot, I was wondering why I was walking with a limp?”

I really couldn’t make this shit up.

Makes You Wonder…

Someone turned-in this chisel last night. She said it was left at one of the Internet workstations:

LMAO!!

Anyway, I don’t think that many of you guys got my last post. Vote for Max’s video. Right frakking now, I COMMAND YOU! Seriously, she needs our help guys. Max did a great job in a hurry by composing an original score and editing this 60sec. video to land this gig and she needs the work so VOTE (and watch “Excess Baggage” while you’re at it because she wrote the screenplay, in fact, suggest it for purchase @ Your Library tomorrow).

So, vote for Max, and make me a little less Woeful today. I neeed all the help I can get too you know.

Celluloid Blonde Needs Our Support

Vote for Max’s video right now!

Check out her blog too while you’re at it.

Froot Loop Has Arrived

One of the nice things about summer @ the Library is that we often get to see some of our past Pages after they come back from college. A few of them sometimes even get part-time summer positions. Such is the case with Chris who was a Circulation Page and is now working as a Circulation Clerk.

During his first shift at the Desk he watched as this well dressed woman walked into the building. As she proceeded to walk by she waived and announced, “Hello everybody I’m Froot Loop. I’m just passing through!” She continued on for several more paces then abruptly stopped and exclaimed, “OK, I’m leaving now!”

Then she turned, and walked out whence she came.

At this point, Chris totally lost his shit and was like WTF? Don’t be alarmed my boy, it’s just a freak… Welcome to the party. LMAO!

Some Things Are Still The Same…

I found a trail of beer cans outside the staff entrance when I arrived today.

@ The Library

Several of my regular readers have expressed concern over the diminishing frequency of my posts over the last few months. Sadly, as our economy has tanked so has a lot of the humor that I was able to glean from our patron’s antics. Business @ the Library is BOOMING! We are so busy that I haven’t had any time to study people’s behavior or even think about anything beyond the next unemployed sap standing before me who needs help formatting a resume or in using a computer at all because the person is totally computer illiterate. Simply put, the Library hasn’t been a zany place lately folks. Instead it has been a resume and job application mill filled with devastated people who are desperately seeking jobs so they don’t lose their homes. Subsequently, I find little humor in what I do these days, and am Woeful for totally different reasons.

Case in point, I was providing computer instruction to a woman last week and the topic of conversation turned to the economy. This is nothing new as the topic of nearly every conversation these days inevitably turns to the economy. She started to say something and cut herself off. She said that she probably shouldn’t tell me about an incident that recently happened at her office. She though about it for a moment and continued, she told me that her company attorney was recently let go and that his reaction was to set his office on fire beginning with the stack of legal briefs on top of his desk! I shook my head and told her that it’s just a sign of the times.

So anyway folks, until the economy turns around I’m probably not going to have a whole lot to say around here… Unless you want depressing stories like the one I just mentioned above. Fear not however, things too good to pass up still do happen, just not as frequently as they used to… But when they do they’re real doozies! Economically, things seem to be turning around albeit slowly. With any luck, the Library will be back to its former freakishness is no time.

Keep Reading!

The Tower Of God’s Love

So I’m sitting at the Reference Desk and the phone rings… I pick it up and this guy wants to know if we have the book, The Tower Of God’s Love. We don’t. So I began checking the State catalog, and ask him if he is a City resident to which he said, “No. I checked if they had it at a Christian bookstore and it’s a really good book, you should read it. You can get it by calling 1-800-Christian!”

[blink]

I process that and reply, “Does that mean you don’t want the book?” Then the guy says, “It’s a really good book you should read it, it’s a really good book, 1-800-Christian!”

Then he hung up.

SexyLady Needs a Bone

A while back I blogged about an elderly woman who frequently comes into the Library who has an email address similar to SexyLadyX@YourGramma.com, anyway, this woman paid us a visit recently complaining about how a book she requested about two months ago still has yet to arrive. We looked into it and explained that it’s in constant circulation in every lending institution in the State. She enthusiastically replied in her very loud voice something like, “I don’t doubt it, it’s soft-core porn!”

[blink]

Then she went on to say that she belongs to an erotic book club and that they have great discussions. She added that the Library should have a soft-core porn section and began rattling off the names of about a dozen authors who write in the genre saying that the section wouldn’t be hard to fill…

[MY EYES!!!]

Anyway, we decided to satiate SexyLady’s desires by purchasing the book.

Froot Loop Returns!

Earlier today a colleague of mine got the full taste of Froot Loop as he sat at the Reference Desk. He told me that she briskly walked up to him and asked, “Are the judicials available?” To which he responded, “What?”

Her response to this was to tell him that he, “doesn’t know nothing!” Then she demanded his name and some other information. As he began writing it all down he hesitated for a moment to ask her if she would also like the telephone number, however, as he began to speak she cut him off by firmly stating, “I have the right to remain silent!”

LMAO… Yes you do, so please use it whackadoo!

Then she briskly stormed away.

Things Are Tough All Over

A patron recently informed me that the Library’s Men’s Room ran out of soap, so I made a mental note to tell the custodian about it when I saw him later on in the day. When I mentioned it he shrugged and told me that he’s all out. Then he glazed over and said that the Public Works Department is completely out of money for the current fiscal year, so whatever supplies each City department currently has on hand regarding soap, paper towels, and toilet paper is it until the new fiscal year begins on July 1st. He shook his head and informed me that he has all of nine rolls of toilet paper left for the Library. A short while later I found out from our Reference Page that her school hasn’t had any soap for nearly two weeks…

[blink]

All I know is that it’s going to get messy quickly unless somebody calls the Mayor and gets him to release some contingency funds… In the mean time, I’m going commando!

Froot Loop & Grandpa

Where the hell do I begin with this travesty?

[sigh]

Froot Loop, the woman who a while back I thought was a likely contender to be my next stalker paid us a visit today for the first time in a long while. She was irate. She told me that she was suing the City. She needed a computer to access her case files on the State’s judicial website. Fine.

However, since the last time she was in we’ve changed over to a fully-automated computer reservation system that needs some kind of ID for access to use as a password. She didn’t take this lightly. She insisted that she use the computer she used that last time. I informed her that that computer doesn’t exist anymore, and around and around we went. Still Froot Loop insisted that she use that specific computer because it worked for her in the past or another computer that is soley allocated for the unemployed who are seeking jobs.  I told her over and over that she couldn’t have either of the computers that she desired.

Finally she relented and asked to be signed onto a computer that she could actually use. I asked her for an ID and she would only agree to read me the number off the thing, not let me see it. Fine. So I input the number and sent her on her way fully knowing that my plight would not end there. Only a few short minuted later she was back complaining that she couldn’t logon.

[at this moment I am praying for death]

I go over to her workstation and type the number into the computer and it instantly allows access… How about that! Could it be that Froot Loop is crazier than a shit house rat? I think this likely. Anyway, no sooner does the browser come up than she began telling me that I need to guide her to the State’s judicial website so she can do whatever crazy shit house rats do there… I complied

Once there she types in her case number and… Nothing happens. Somehow this is the Library’s fault, or the computer’s fault, after all this isn’t the computer that works! At that moment she becomes livid and tells me that she needs to access her crazy shit because she will be meeting with the judge, but before that she needs to meet with her priest!

[blink] Fine, I think sure, meet with the Pope, I really don’t give a fuck just leave me and all the other non-lunatics in peace… She complained that it must be the computer that she was on and I insisted that it appeared to be a server-side issue. She was not happy and demands another computer…

Fine, so I make another reservation for the only computer available which is in the Childrens’ Department. Not ten minutes go by and I see her again. She tells me that she can’t access her case on that computer either (I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise). She then demanded that I write a letter stating that the judicial website appeared to be broken. Fine, but luckily I was not the supervisor in charge today, luckily for me, the Assistant Director just happened to be in. So I led Froot Loop Over the the AD and explained her plight. The AD told her that she would write her a letter straight away on official letterhead and everything. This seemed to satiate Froot Loop for the time being but she reiterated that she couldn’t wait for it because she had to meet with her priest… Fine. The Assistant Director assured her that the letter would be awaiting her pickup at a later time. Now, the AD and I looked at each other like… “This is one crazy shit house rat we’re dealing with isn’t it?” And straight away Froot Loop left.

Thank the Maker!

She did come back later to pick up the letter and left without further incident but shortly thereafter an old man walked up to the Reference Desk, he seemed ancient and someone got him a chair so that he could sit down while he explained what he needed to my colleague. At the time I was toiling away with another project in the office but I noticed that she was with him for like 20min. Then he left to log onto a computer…

After he left I asked my coworker about the transaction and she told me that he needed a card but he was so old that she personally went to the Circulation Desk and actually registered him in the system issuing him a card while he waited in his chair at Reference. She discovered that he is from Alaska and comes into the Northeast often and it takes him four days to drive through Canada, but now he needs a passport for the trip and he never needed one before. This bummed the old guy out but he was going to be around the area until August so it was nothing to get bent about.

All was going well from that point on but a while later he hit a snag online and asked my coworker to come over to help him through his problem. When she came back she laughed, and told me that grandpa was stuck in our State until August because of a DUI and the subsequent date of his court appearance.

I nearly shit myself at that point… It was time to put the day to rest. And we did, and it was good!